There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.