I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
You Might Also Like
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!