When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.