Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”