Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Fries, not lies.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]