Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Think I pulled my liver
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Shortcut
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.