Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
our love story in four pictures
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.