The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I already tried new things thanks.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.