My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
that colleague who touches your screen
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Banderslack Clamberdorch
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.