Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
sistine chapel
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.