*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
You Might Also Like
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.