back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Erm I’m gonna say no
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.