Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“OMGJK” -atheists
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.