“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah