Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.