They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
New comic up. “Ransom”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.