It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.