7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so