If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.