No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Shortcut
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity