Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Donkey Kong sommelier
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER