Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.