Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
A dad and his duck
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
#Caturday
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.