I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.