Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.