Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
can I use a minion as a tampon
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.