“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
when there are deer in the woods
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season