Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
You Might Also Like
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school