I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha