Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.