you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete