The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks