why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity