Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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We found love in a hopeless place.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me, in DM rooms…
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie