“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does