I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Attacked by a mop.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster