My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
North and South
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread