My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I had to Stop for this