somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?