Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
You Might Also Like
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.