Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]