We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story