If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
You Might Also Like
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.