The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
#parenting
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire