*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv