People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years