I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You Might Also Like
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
how was your vacation
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.