Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”