Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.