Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
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Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.